Bless me who/whatever for I have….
Nope. Doesn’t work. I can’t even get myself to finish the first sentence.
I do have a confession, though. I don’t really believe in God. Though obviously I have a fascination with religion. Am I allowed to make what is really a pro-gay-pro-Christian film if I don’t believe in God?
And I’m still Catholic enough to be struck with fear of lightning and other punitive things falling from the sky because I said the above. I’m cringing. At my desk. Alone. Twelve years of Catholic school will do this to anyone.
Though the truth is, when I say I don’t believe in God, what I mean is that I don’t believe in a guy in the sky. I don’t believe in anthropomorphizing the powers and forces in the world we don’t understand. And yet, the life of Jesus Christ is branded on my unconscious so deeply he shows up in everything I write. So I live with his story as archetype, and it is a story of richness and beauty, so why not? I can still not understand everything I don’t understand. I mean, there is SO MUCH we don’t understand, and so much we can’t control, and levels of our own consciousness we can sometimes reach, but can’t explain to anyone and maybe don’t want to anyhow. It’s both the most terrifying aspect of existence and the most meaningful. All religions talk about mystery, and mystery is at the heart of, well, everything.
I have now clarified the nature of the universe. Don’t thank me. It was nothing.
And, accepting mystery, I went to St. Peter’s and heard Father Paul say the words I had copied from the Book of Common prayer into my screenplay, and I found them even more beautiful said out loud. I find Father Paul’s commitment to a house of prayer for all people equally beautiful. Just as I find the Buddhist concept of emptiness, which is really infinity, full of meaning. (I’m not being sarcastic. Emptiness IS meaningful.)
About the film…and of course everything religious is about the film just as everything gay is about the film…we are going to be at Pride and at the P-Town film festival, and I’m going to talk to NAGLY, so things are moving along. I even have a new really great thing to say that I can’t say until tomorrow afternoon when the press releases go out, so I’ll say it on Facebook then.
Don’t I just drive you crazy?
I’ve been thinking about Reverend Alex, the priest in the movie, and how I so understand why people want to be priests. To stand at the center of a spiritual experience, to commit to it as your number one, to say my life is about finding meaning and grace more than anything else …that is a life of passion every bit as much as being an artist. Because an artist says my life is about making meaning and beauty from the truth that I see in my own way and that matters more than anything else.
Of course, I have to spend part of my days writing a business plan that requires web research and accounting and knowing things like Section 181, which allows film investors to declare 100% of their investment as a deduction, will expire on 12/31/2011 unless President Obama renews it again. Do priests have to manage the church budget? Or do they have someone do it for them? I’m going to imagine they have someone do it for them, but they have to know about it because that is my goal. To only have to know, instead of do and know.
I am also currently scheming about how to sit in on a vestry meeting, because I am re-writing that section of the screenplay to up the ante. I’ve heard there should be comedy involved. Anyone know any vestry members who would like to see themselves represented through my eyes?
Off to silent retreat in 15 days. Believe me, after I finish my 10 days of silence, you will hear all about it.