Blogging on My Faults or Humility, Day #2

Fault #2: I AM REACTIVE!

I actually thought of writing this blog in all caps just to show how reactive I am, but the punctuation is harder, so I decided not to.  Plus, though I am REACTIVE, I am also sensitive enough to not want to hurt your ears, I mean eyes.

That’s a little metta, from me to you.

Yes, now you get it.  What kind of person writes a blog called Persecuted by Construction?  Someone who is REACTIVE.  Someone who has a problem with PERSONALIZING everything.  I mean, what do you think all this meditation is for?  I have way too many emotions, way too much of the time.  (Which is good for acting, but that’s about it.)  I have to learn how to handle them better, just to get a little peace.

Of course, I often don’t look like I have so many emotions, because I have a German mother.  I look calm and mature, and I can actually handle difficult situations fairly well.  I can be great in an emergency.  And then I come home and have A COMPLETE AND UTTER MELTDOWN.

There is this Pisces description I love to quote.  “A Pisces will walk a mile to get her feelings hurt and then remember it for the rest of her life.”  Of course, I am a Pisces.  And I don’t have to walk anywhere.  I can just roll over in bed and think of something someone did yesterday.  That’s pretty much all it takes.

What does being reactive look like, as far as faults go?  Well, it guarantees difficult communication, because my partner’s like, “What’s for dinner?”  And I’m like, “So I didn’t cook.  Shoot me.  I’m not a 50’s housewife, you know.”  (This is an exaggeration.  Remember though, in the meditation hall I was having relationships with refrigerators and chairs.  Or people moving them, which is the same thing.)

It also means, that if people are more than 20 minutes late to meet me, and they don’t call, I leave because otherwise I get fairly homicidal, fairly quickly.

Like, no one ever, and I mean EVER in my life has described me as the kind of person who waters just runs off her back.  When I was a teenager, and even in to my early 20’s, I was sometimes described as someone who just didn’t give a sh(t, but that was more about being a rebel with a cause (even if no one knew my cause but me).

So, I meditate.  I do yoga.  I am practicing the *(&KDL(##)*&&%^#@ communication model provided in couples therapy.  With my usual grace of spirit.  And honestly, it does help.  I don’t think I’ll ever really be chill, but the noticeable clamp I sometimes have to put on my reactivity with my partner might change into a deep breath or two.  (She’s about as reactive as me if not more so.  Life is never boring, but it does require couples therapy.  Urgh.)

The truth is, when I can say what I really feel–which is, often, much as I hate to admit it, hurt, the reactivity kind of fades into nothing.  It’s all that trying not to appear weak.  I mean, really, what a burden.  What a ridiculous effort, just not to be known for the softy I really am.

I did not say that.  You cannot quote me on that.  I take it back.

A messy human  life, any day you might pick.


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