You Mean I Have to Be Honest about MY FEELINGS?


So last night my partner and I get home and she hops right into the shower and then starts oiling her body, giving herself self-massage.

That’s right, she’s in the middle of a ayurvedic cleanse.  She gets up at 6:30am and cooks bean/rice mush.  She eats only bean/rice mush.  She drinks de-tox teas.  She oils her body and takes tablespoons of oil plain.  Her skin looks great and she seems so centered I could scream.  I call the cleanse the WOO.  It’s not really all that out there compared to the shaman, the psychic, the holotropic breathwork and the hypnosis, but if I can get a joke out of anything…well, you have to know I will.

Anyhow, so she comes home and oils herself up and then puts a shirt over her head so she looks like a nun.  A nun with Eastern European heritage.  Who davens.  Then she goes to sleep.

She wakes me up ungodly early, making the mush, which is just not a quiet activity.  I lie in bed, rehearsing my speech to our couples therapist, Sheepdog.  It’s really a rant, starting with, Please sit quietly and listen.  Do not interrupt, reframe, or tell me to stop so my partner can talk because I HAVE THINGS TO SAY.  Included in the rant are all the big reasons I’m angry with my partner.  So halfway into the rant, I not only hate the couples therapist, I also hate my partner.  I am a seething kettle of rage soup.

So my partner comes to say, “Have a nice day,” before she goes to work.

“Yeah.”

Pause.

“You, too,” I say.  Which I obviously don’t mean, since I am homicidal.

Then she makes a half a heart with her hand, which is our thing for “I love you.”

“I’m feeling angry at you right now,” I say.

She’s like, “Why?  Oh, I have to go to work so we can’t talk about it.”

I say, “The short version is that I’m angry at you for x and x.”  (The two big impasse issues in our relationship from my side of the fence.)

She says, “Well, you have every right to be angry about that.”

Which pretty much destroys any possibility of me really picking a fight.

So I say, “I’m also rehearsing my farewell speech to the Sheepdog.”

She says, “Can I hear the beginning?”

I’m like, “If you want me to sit here for more than 30 seconds, don’t interrupt, etc.”

She says, “I’m with you on that.”

Then I said, “I have all these doubts.  I have all these fears.  I am grieving again and you are in there oiling your body and that just pisses me off.  Why can’t you be the one with the grief and I be the one oiling my body?  Especially since I have a right to be mad at you?”

And she says, “I’m doing the meditating and the cleanse and the breathwork to build a foundation for the harder things I have to face.  So maybe soon you will be the one oiling your body.”

I say, “That’s good, because I want you to go get some pain.”

She cracks up.  “Thanks,” she says.

Of course, having now told the truth about being pissed at her for being all WOO, not to mention the big unfinished relationship business, I am not only NOT homicidal any more, I feel close to her.

“You’re still the one I want to tell about feeling homicidal,” I say.

“I appreciate that.  And now I really do have to go to work.”  She makes the heart again and leaves for work, and this time, when I say, “Have a nice day,” I mean it.

But Christ, it’s hard to wake up in a rage and then have to f-ing talk about it.  I mean, how exhausting!  I want to just go back to sleep now.

Of course, the fact that’s she’s all WOO, and able to hear about my homicidal feelings with equanimity makes it easier to tell her.  Even though the equanimity pisses me off.  I know it makes for a better relationship.  But do I have to be crazy all by myself?

I seriously hope her time is coming.  And I get to be all equanimity meditator spiritual person and she gets to suffer not-so-Buddhistly.

Metta for my partner.  She obviously is going to need it.

PS-I also woke up with back pain.  That disappeared in the middle of the above conversation, continuing to motivate me to CHANGE MY LIFE.

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