When my partner and I got heavy into meditation, we turned off the television and didn’t watch it (except for So You Think You Can Dance) for the summer.

However, I got sick this fall and went on a binge, catching up on all the episodes of the Closer I’d missed.  Then I started watching this sick soap opera called Revenge.  I’d call it a soft revenge show.  So far no one has killed anyone.  Which, frankly, allows me to enjoy it all the more as the bad guys get what’s coming to them.

I have surrendered to the fact that we, as human beings, as a whole race, are just not all that evolved.  Our brains require revenge fantasies if not the actual thing, and people like Mother Theresa are just mutants, or else they have private undiscovered aggression that is so secret no one knows about it.

I LOVE REVENGE FANTASIES!  And television revenge fantasies, accompanied by ridiculous wealth, privilege and good looks…well, it’s Dynasty all over again.  We love it.  The meaner the better.  Revenge is ALL THAT.

So, in blog after blog of reaching for the light, meditating through pain, suffering mightily through couples therapy, I am now taking a break to have some revenge fantasies of my own.

I imagine actually turning the Sheepdog into a sheepdog.  Slowly.  First legs, then torso, then a very underachieving tail, then front paws, one after another, leaving her with just her head, only the mouth a dog’s mouth with only dog sounds.  Or maybe a human body with a dog head.  Or maybe everything changing and changing back again, over and over again.

See?  That makes me feel so peaceful.  Obviously my unevolved brain needs these things.

The therapist who fell asleep on me?  She’s turning into an infant.  In fact, I am now a witch, and that’s the spell–every time she yawns, fake nods, makes fake therapist sounds, PRESTO CHANGEO and she’s a little baby.  But with her own cat’s eye glasses and nervous tics.  That is obviously extra cruel.

I think I am experiencing nirvana.

Think of it…a life with actual consequences for the wicked.  (I don’t count myself among the wicked because my fantasy life, while now somewhat public, doesn’t count as action.)  Every life contains miscarriages of justice.  If you’re minority, or a woman, probably more than if you’re born into privilege.  My unevolved brain needs to plot revenge to balance the scale, to feel that I am fit for survival.  I’m saying it is a biological imperative to indulge in revenge fantasies.  If you don’t, you either develop mindbody syndrome, actually go for revenge, or take out your anger at the injustice of life on the unsuspecting innocent…in other words, your family.

Think of it.  Our brains could develop further.  We could become more capable of enlightenment.  And idealist or no, I also have a German pragmatic streak that tells me to deal with what I’ve got.  An unevolved brain.

Why do we lie to ourselves about this?

We tell the truth in what we create, in which people get what’s coming to them.  We tell the truth in the myths of religion, the avenging as well as loving God.

Revenge fantasies.  Good for the soul.

I am NOT kidding.

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