Sometimes, things are just not happening.
Which is excruciatingly disappointing.
BUT, there is this saying: “Don’t force the river.”
I know all about forcing the river and how it inevitably leads to what 12 step programs call “hitting bottom.”
In this culture, forcing the river is the norm. Pushing, making things happen. Trying to control, trying to ignore the realities of time, money, other people’s level of commitment.
Which is all to say that my pet project, the short play called, “Beginning of the World, Part I,” is looking to be a disaster. We’ve had 3 rehearsals. Only one was attended by the entire cast. And now an actor has been called out of town on business for 10 days.
I am excruciatingly disappointed. This is the creative growing edge of my work as an artist, and I know we need more time to complete creating the work before we can rehearse, so it won’t suck.
I get reactive about these things. About being disappointed.
URGH. Then, I read Jack Kornfield all about the basic goodness of other people and how we must have compassion for each other and all I can think about is how many Buddhists die of cancer and how if I have to repress my feelings and be all serene when I’m really not I will be in back pain forever.
Not my best day.
Until I talk to the lovely Lyndsay Allyn Hicks, my replacement and boy does it look like I knew what I was doing when I approached her! Or we approached each other…she looking to get in to something, me looking to step out or down or whatever.
Lyndsay, who may be calmer than I am by temperament, decided we should postpone this piece. Meaning, getting to do it, just not now.
My schedule has just gone sane.
Which proves that I must discuss decisions with sane people in order to be saner.
In case no one has noticed, I like to do everything myself.
That’s a great way to push the river.
Learning, learning, every day that I’m alive.
So grateful for that. It’s always so interesting, being imperfect.
Plus, I still have my zombies play, which is going swimmingly and easily so yay. I love my zombies!
Metta, metta, metta. I actually feel that expansiveness, now, after putting this post up, taking it down, editing it.
Connection above all things.
PS–And two hours after I wrote this I found out Don was in the hospital.