Ted OR Talking Bears Have Sex Too

There’s something admirable about making a movie so self-indulgent you put in anything funny that occurs to you.  It’s kind of like….well, writing this blog.

It’s also fun to see a movie set in Beantown, with some Boston accents, and with extras you recognize as your colleagues and students.

And, frankly, the bear is great.  If it were me, I’d get rid of the love story and just make it the bear’s one man show (the movie kind of IS Seth McFarlane’s one man show as he’s the writer, director and plays Ted).  Because everything that Seth McFarlane makes that bear do is so unexpected and funny, the bear is the one to watch.

Outside of that, the movie kind of sucks.  I’ve become pretty ambivalent about Marky Mark since The Fighter (in which he was so wooden they really could have picked him up and moved him around).  I retain this ambivalence after seeing Ted, because he looks like he’s only kissing Mila Kunis because the director told him to.  MILA KUNIS?!*!  She is incredibly hot!  What is the matter with him?  He has much better chemistry with the bear, even though I can kind of tell he’s looking at nothing some of the time.  His best moment in the movie is when he does the run through of girls names in a rat-a-tat-tat fashion.  Personally, I think Matt Damon would have killed in this part.  Marky Mark…well, I’m beginning to wonder if he can act.  (Though I liked him in I Heart Huckabees.)

Mila Kunis–well, she just doesn’t have a whole lot to do in this movie.  Her character is poorly written, she’s playing to a romantic opposite who is completely unconvincing, and while looking at her remains truly enjoyable, and you can tell she can really act, well, like I said.  She doesn’t have much to do.

Here’s the spoiler:  watching a teddy bear hump everything in sight, constantly smoke a bong, have sex in the back of a grocery store with the hot blonde clerk, do coke, swear more than any character maybe ever and speak with a heavy Boston accent…is just kind of great.  The fart jokes, the politically incorrect thread that runs through the movie, and watching Giovanni Ribisi bump and grind (his character is gay) as well as be a psycho teddy bear stalker is also sort of fun.  If relatively stupid once you’re in on the joke.

Truthfully, I wish we’d gone to see another movie.  I love stadium seating and on major holidays my partner and I love to do movie lowbrow, but really, the Kendall called to us and we didn’t listen.  Plus, I have decided that I no longer agree with Roger Ebert about anything, since he gave this movie 4 stars.  I’d give it 2.  Or maybe 1.5.

Next up:  Brave in 3d?  Or a trip to the Kendall to see any of the several indies that just look really good?  If the weekend is a scorcher, you’ll find out.


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