The Imaginary Scenario (or 3)


This morning my partner came to my bed (I’d moved into my room from our room because of the guys working on our house), kissed me very sweetly on the forehead, and then said good-bye for the day.

I proceeded to throw an eye pillow over my eyes and pass out, because 8:30am just isn’t my time.  Next thing I know, I’m startled awake by the sound of the screen door to the porch opening.  I jump out of bed and go to the hallway, starting to creep down it and see who has entered our house.

It’s my partner.

Imaginary scenario #1:

“Oh my God!” I scream.  Then I fall down with a heart attack and die.

Imaginary scenario #2:

(She let me buy that stun gun I was looking at 6 months ago when our house got broken into.)  I’ve grabbed the stun gun on my way out of the bedroom and I’m so groggy I shoot her with it.  She screams, “Oh my God!”  Then she falls down with a heart attack and dies.

Imaginary scenario #3:  She turns into a dog and bites my leg.  (This may seem kind of random, but, hell, she always says she was a dog in a past life.)

What actually happened:  I stood there (having forgotten to get the baseball bat from under my bed), half asleep.  “Are you trying to fucking kill me?” I said.  Then I started shaking.

She led me back to the bed, apologizing all over the place.  She sat on the bed with a hand on my arm while I shook it all out like an animal in Peter Levine’s book on PTSD.  She then tells me she felt bad for waking me up to kiss me the 2 other times, so she decided to say good-bye and be really quiet so I could sleep while she meditated and wrote in her journal.

Okay, let’s get real about this.  She didn’t wake me up by kissing me the other two times.  The workmen and the negotiation about the check she was writing for them woke me up, and then our next door neighbor revving his car (which he often does, keeping the engine from dying, but always before 8am), woke me up.  The kisses were just nice.  I can understand that when I’m sprawled over the entire bed with an eye pillow on it might be hard to tell, but still.  She didn’t wake me up.

As for the being really quiet, she’s about as quiet as an elephant.  It might have something to do with the smoothie grinding or the pans being slammed into the cabinets (this is probably because I complained I always put them away), or the blow dryer or the neti pot and nose blowing.

In other words, meditating or no meditating, you just can’t win around here.

BUT, and this is a big but, had I been even slightly awake or sane I would have known that my partner would NEVER have left the regular door to the porch open while I was asleep.  She gets scared I’m dead if I’m 10 minutes late.  She dreams of protecting me from all evil.  She drives super slow when I’m the in car, muttering, “Precious cargo.”

So, in the final imaginary scenario, when she turns into a dog and bites my leg, she then turns back into a human and says, “I will love you into eternity because like those guys in Twilight, I know what eternity is all about.”

I like this scenario best because then she’s immortal.

You can imagine who else around here gets nervous if people are ten minutes late or riding in an airplane or just walking to work like normal.

25 years and 28 days.

It looks like this.

 

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