I am not hungry. In fact, I am embarrassingly full. This is because I went to Whole Foods and bought 10 organic avocados this morning (they’re legal on this pre-cleanse). I figure I’ll work my way through them by lunch. They’re $2.19 each, so that’s approximately $23 a day, but hell, it’s a small price to pay for some degree of satiation.
I ate another warm smoothie for breakfast with avocado and a ton of rice protein powder (also legal).
I may actually feel a little sick.
Before I went to Whole Foods, I ate a very small amount of the green soup. Turns out my partner doesn’t like the soup. She was eating it last night, making one scrunched up face after another and I said, “Please don’t tell me this means I have to eat it all myself.”
She said, “No,” rather unconvincingly. Then her eyes both went to the side.
I looked at her. Her eyes went to the side again. I was like, “Yes I am going to have to eat it. Whenever your eyes go like that, I know. I am on to you.”
She said, “My eyes didn’t go to the side.” Then her eyes went to the side again.
It should be said that since she subscribes to this blog, she received yesterday’s 2nd blog at work, read it immediately, then called me.
“Are you okay?” she asked when I picked up the phone.
Turns out she thought I spilled the entire pot of soup and then somehow got it into Tupperware. She thought she’d be eating floor soup. Maybe she imagined me lying spread eagle in the soup and aduki beans and wondered if I’d get up by the time she arrived home from work.
Anyhow, and get this, she said, “You know, you’re supposed to enjoy this cleanse. If you’re all stressed out about it, your body will hold on to toxins and it won’t work.”
I said, “I plan to enjoy complaining about it. Does that count?”
She just looked at me.
I said, “I mean, I’m Jewish now by osmosis. And if I haven’t learned to kvetch after 25 years with you, I’m in big trouble.”
She said, “You may have a point there.”
Then I’m thinking, “Enjoy? Enjoy? I would enjoy flying to Costa Rica on the miles we’ve saved on Jet Blue and lying on a beach doing nothing or occasionally renting a surfboard if the waves are the right height. How is that supposed to compare to eating gruel and coating your body with oil every day?”
Of course, if this cleanse performs the miracle I’m hoping for, I might actually be able to digest my food in Costa Rica without taking 25 vitamins with every meal, which would be quite a boon.
And, for what it’s worth, I’m no long embarrassingly full. I’m only a little full. Maybe I’ll go to the kitchen and heat up some water and sip it. You’re supposed to do that about every 15 minutes. By the time I’ve finished with the water, I probably won’t be full at all. Then I’ll have to stare at the 9 1/2 avocados that are left. And decide whether eating another one is a good idea. Or whether I should wait 3 minutes.
It’s a good thing I work from home.