My father used to say that my mother couldn’t breathe without Dristan and couldn’t shit without Ex-Lax.
He was a pretty inappropriate guy on a good day, but the fact is, in this case, what he said was absolutely true.
As for himself, his bodily functions included hangover farts that smelled so bad you could smell them in the attic. I know this because my sister and I (teenagers at the time) were smoking pot in the attic when he farted in the basement and it was so gross we leaned our heads out the attic window to complain. “Dad,” we said, “You are the most disgusting person on earth.”
My mother probably agreed with that statement, since she asked him to leave a couple years later.
Anyhow, there was no absence to the scatalogical in my formative years. My father, the farter, burper, snorer (like an earthquake)etc. And my mother, so anally retentive she needed Ex-Lax, as we have already seen.
I tended more toward my mother’s end until I allowed myself to be seduced into a relationship with my first girlfriend (the train wreck) at nineteen. My ex-girlfriend’s jokes were dirtier than my father’s (which is saying something) and she told them with as much or more gusto. She was enamored of the idea of lighting farts on fire, and once burned the seat out of a pair of white painter pants at a party. Living with her on and off for three years did teach me to burp and fart openly at home, something I would never have done in any dwelling inhabited by my mother.
Anyhow, besides the history of the scatalogical, all only relevant because I would like to avoid talking about this cleanse and its relationship to flatulence and other similar topics, there is this–I’ve only eaten 1/2 an avocado so far today.
I got home late from my devised theatre gig last night. I walked in the door, and my partner said, “I’m embarrassed to say I ate a whole avocado today.”
I’m like, “So what, I hate two and 1/2.”
She started laughing. I didn’t. I was thinking that trying to one-up me, even with food, is a losing proposition. I was also thinking that I am definitely not going to lose weight on this cleanse. My partner lost something like 7 pounds the first time she did it. But I don’t think she was making out with avocados every 3 minutes.
Anyhow, I’ve been feeling pretty mocus on this cleanse (my word for mentally foggy) as well as hungry and tired, and by accident I discovered that the green soup actually filled me up and didn’t make me as out of it as the rice and beans. So today I did the warm smoothie with avocado for breakfast, and veggies for lunch and rice and veggies for 2nd lunch (yes, I’m becoming a hobbit…or a rabbit…) and voila! Not so mocus! Not hungry either, for a couple hours at a time. For some reason, I’ve never thought of vegans actually eating vegetables. I thought nuts, seeds and large glasses of beer made up the usual vegan diet, but now I see the Light. Vegetables are actually a significant food, not something you just eat when you’re at Kripalu.
Anyhow, the scatalogical output increases significantly when you’re eating mostly vegetables. And I have to tell you, when I’ve tried these diets before, my partner followed me around with a pack of matches, lighting one in each room I entered. She thought this was very funny. I was like, “You’re hurting my feelings. And I don’t want to burn the seat out of my pants like the train wreck did, thank you very much.”
My partner has a thing about the last word. She’s like, “You’re hurting my nose.”
I’m like, “I don’t care.” Then I went into some psychotherapeutic mumbo-jumbo about how she was shaming me for having a body, and which, since she buys that crap a lot more than I do, actually got her to stop.
Anyhow, I imagine the car ride out to Framingham tonight should be interesting. I can’t decide whether to hide the matches, ride with the windows open, or bring matches and not tell her.
She subscribes to this blog. So I have to say I can’t decide so she doesn’t know.
We’re actually getting along really well these days. And this cleanse was her idea. Just saying.