My partner is in love with the Stork.
As we interviewed couples’ therapists and fired one after another (nicely, since I now practice Buddhism), she finally started crying and saying how sad she was we couldn’t see the Stork any more.
I told her if he meant that much to her she could always see him alone, so we went back in to do closure as a couple so she could see him as an individual, and he turned out to be kind of great (meaning honest, sorry for his mistakes). In his Stork way. He even kind of got me, for the first time. (I seem to be heavily inscrutable to these people–it took him a year.) So closure turned out to be let’s-check-it-out again, and I started tagging along while my partner did the sessions. Once I fell asleep while she talked to him. The Stork was like, “Lyralen must finally feel safe if she falls asleep.”
My partner was like, “Am I that boring?”
I was like, “Hey, it’s all you, all the time, don’t complain.”
Of course, I’m still traumatized from the therapist who fell asleep on me when I was 21, but who’s counting.
Meanwhile, the Stork yawned through the only session I talked in, so I can only say that payback is a bitch.
And there is this–comedy reigns in sessions with the Stork. He’s more or less promised not to cook rice or make telephone calls during our sessions, so things are looking up in the sanity department. I expect it to last a month or two, tops, before he goes super annoying again and provides me with much blog material. Stay posted.
Of course, get this–even though I knew, in that super intuitive way I have, that my partner and I belong with the Stork, I insisted we try out another couples therapist who is smart and boundaried. I knew it wouldn’t work with her–no, not because she’s smart and boundaried. She has this funky dark edge to her energy that seems pretty judgmental (not my favorite). But really, I had to actually apologize to her, because me fighting reality (that I am destined to a farcical couples therapy with a very honest Stork) isn’t a good reason to start some therapeutic relationship that has no chance of succeeding. I mean, I didn’t mind firing the other 7 therapists after mostly 1 session interviews. We were spending money we didn’t have; and the therapists were either out there controlling (that’s partly the couples’ model, but hey, supposedly they have a brain…they could figure out it’s controlling and get innovative) (What am I saying? Most therapists would not come anywhere near Mensa status. Or any award in independent thought, either.) or completely insane (the one with the gorilla puppet stands out in my mind particularly). Like, who cares about firing them? They totally deserved it.
But, my fight with reality causing us to go to someone I know we’ll not ending up seeing who I kind of liked when I met at Kripalu…that felt lousy. So I apologized last night in an email. That’s my second apology in a month to a therapist, so the practice of Buddhism is seriously changing my personality. It’s quite frightening. Almost as frightening as the occasional lack of chatter in my mind. I’m like, “Whoa, that is way too quiet. I’ve gone stupid. I’ve gone boring. What am I supposed to do without all these neuroses?”
Of course, that doesn’t stop me from attending the Letting Go of Fear meditation practice group on Tuesday nights. People in the group laughed when, after announcing I had no fear, I had to ask the meditation leader to repeat his descriptions of unskillful reactions to fear because I kept forgetting everything he said as soon as he said it. Clearly I am about to join my partner in the land of Garcia Marquez’s novel One Hundred Years of Solitude in which a whole village loses its memory and everything has to be labelled with its name and function.
Hmmm. Fear. Why am I taking this workshop? Well, we’re supposed to acknowledge 3 moments of fear each day. I had my 3 by 5am yesterday, though I ended up acknowledging only one of them. So I guess I have fear. Hello to worry, panic (that was in a traffic jam…I’m claustrophic…oh, right, that’s a fear, I must have fear), anxiety, terror, etc.
It should be said that after acknowledging the panic, calling my partner, and pulling over to sit with it, I was able to do a terribly long drive in relative peace.
I practice Buddhism because it works. Unlike therapy. In which the therapist gets to act like they’re way more enlightened and sane…a complete lie. At least in Buddhism we’re all insanely constructing realities that don’t exist.
I am nothing if not egalitarian.