Okay, that’s it.
Yesterday I picked my partner up from one of her personal growth experiences. She was upset because the person supposedly helping her said, “Well, why can’t you just be mindful when that happens?”
My partner has lovely rants. This one was something like, If I could do that, I wouldn’t need you. I would be fixed. Cured. I would be the friggin’ Buddha. But I’m not and I can’t and f*(& you and the train you rode in on.
Then, today, instead of taking my nap, which I swear I WILL do, I listened to the Oprah/Chopra meditation on how we create our own reality. OH MY GOD! It made me HOMICIDAL! There were even exercises to find out where you were stuck in the past so you can just inhabit the present moment as if the past didn’t ever exist. OH MY GOD! TRIPLE HOMICIDAL! (And seriously, I want to remember the crap I learned in case that helps me not to do it again.)
Mind you, I’m all in favor of the present moment. But I don’t want meditations that make me feel crappy for not being over everything already. I mean, seriously. We develop neural pathways from our experiences. Developing new ones, creating links between the old and new, calming the nervous system…this is the work of a lifetime. And that’s if you’re lucky enough to not be worried about where the next meal is coming from or which kid has a play date or how you need to fight against oppression today.
I haven’t learned everything I know from being married to my partner. Just most of it. And the main thing I learned is that the more we give each other permission to be crazy, neurotic, imperfect, likely to make mistakes…the more love there is. The more get-out-of-jail-free cards we hand each other, out of compassion for each other’s fucked up humanness, the more we truly grow into open-hearted closeness.
Yoga, meditation, Buddhism, religion, New Age philosophies, positivity…I can’t live up to it all, and WHO WOULD WANT TO? Sometimes, it’s nice to lie around, eat pizza, fart, and laugh at each other.
Gratitude and Grace. Touch me. But not as much as being stupid with the person I love. Who doesn’t ask me to do the impossible. (Except when she’s triggered. But I won’t go into that.)