So, after 2 weeks of finding out that I’m scared of, well, everything, I now get to do a calming practice. This is good news. Because sensing into my body during Pat’s games to stop my racing heart from Tom Brady’s f#$%ing interceptions, thereby preventing a heart attack ala football, will be a good thing. I mean, what is it with the Pats this year? Are they competing with the Red Sox for biggest roller coaster ride in history? Not that I think the Pats will embarrass the city of Boston as badly as the Red Sox did. I recognize that as a near impossibility.
I wish I liked watching hockey or basketball. Well, actually, I don’t. When my partner suggests we take an interest in the Celtics or the Bruins, I start talking about my early demise ala sports teams or her early demise ala not paying enough attention to me.
I definitely need a calming practice.
I should say that I did sense into my body to figure out how fear was expressing itself during a near interception in last Sunday’s game, and my heart beat super fast and my breathing went all shallow. I must be having clinging to winning with sports games. Why else would I watch? But I must admit that my tendency toward extremes leads to…well, extreme and unpleasant bodily sensations during losing football games.
And, sports teams aside, I found that the lion statue on Huntington Avenue scared the shit out of me yesterday, partly because my partner and I had been talking about lions and I’d had a dream about lions, so, being Catholic, the statue seemed like a sign (anything that appears 3 times is a sign, not that I’m superstitious) of my early demise and when I sensed into my body my entire shoulder girdle, upper arms and upper back were tingling and tense. That is how fear expresses itself in the jungle. On Huntington Ave.
Once, when I was twelve and huddled in my bed late at night with abdominal pains, my father took me to the emergency room, where they did an x-ray. They found I was very constipated, did an enema, and sent me home. My father went around for two weeks afterward saying, “I had to pay X dollars to find out she was full of shit, which I knew anyhow.” I still resent this, by the way. He was way more full of shit than me, and it wasn’t a good joke and thankfully some of the people he told didn’t laugh. I am remembering or constructing the women looking at me with sympathy. I don’t know if they looked at me like that or not, but it’s a nice thought.
Anyhow, the point is, Buddhism is kind of like a spiritual enema. (Am I actually saying this?) You get the 1st x-ray. You find out you’re afraid of way more things than you could possibly imagine. You get the 2nd x-ray, and find out the ridiculous behaviors you have in trying to avoid said fears (including, disturbingly, a tendency to exaggerate and backtrack so you seem less powerful than you actually are…and that would be me). Then you walk around disturbed with yourself. Then you calm yourself down. Finally, at some point, you investigate the fears, which has the potential purging (ha-ha) effect (I’ve done some of this, which is why I know what’s coming).
Anyhow, in Catholicism, you confess your sins, assuming you know what they are through self-analysis, and then the priest makes you say a bunch of boring prayers. In yoga, you try to figure out what satya is, and what lies you’re missing…not the egregious lies, but the ones you tell yourself, the way you misrepresent your feelings and desires, and then you seek self-correction. In Buddhism, you notice, sense into your body, track your behaviors and crazy thoughts, and then try to accept it all. You do self-correct (the Noble Eightfold Path).
Here is my long-term self-correction: I do not watch Browns/Steelers games because I am from Cleveland and my partner is from Pittsburgh. This helps us not kill each other.
I would like to only watch Pats games in which Tom Brady throws no interceptions and wins early in the first half.
I avoided most Red Sox games this year for obvious reasons. Though we won the only one I attended, and I did enjoy, as usual, singing Sweet Caroline. (Total tangent: Does Neil Diamond wear a toupee? Or is his hair just like that?)
I will now walk through my day noticing fears and using my calming practice. There will be no analysis, especially since Buddhism has taught me that my analysis is usually fiction.
Life is full of surprises. I have been forced by the sheer power of Buddhist self-awareness to admit I am not the most self-aware woman on the planet. In fact, I know nearly nothing. This, for some reason, makes me kind of happy.
I am now, at this moment, doing my calming practice, because I had a thought float in that my stupid father with his inappropriate jokes may have had a point. I reject that thought as a fear, and I calm, calm, calm.
PS–Yes, of course I know that Buddhism isn’t about purging and the ridiculous enema simile is ridiculous. I am ridiculous and I am doing my calming practice and accepting my ridiculousness and the fact that most of the time this blog is my playground on paper…without paper.